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08-Dec-2017 00:21

If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up.

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If this is about trying to influence or even force him into making a decision or at the very least, gameplaying, re-evaluate your motives and think about the bigger picture and whether is how you want to spend your time, because it’s a slippery slope to losing your dignity and no one is worth that. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. That and whatever you’re prepared to settle for is what you’re going to get. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. When you stop seeing her as this inconvenient, pesky obstacle, in truly empathising, you will be able to feel compassion and also have self-compassion. Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years? Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address. You’d be surprised though – lots of people have been in your situation.

If you’re serious, here are some suggestions for making an exit that focuses on self-care. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he has chosen not to leave because having the best of both worlds is what he chooses. Blaming her for his infidelity and blaming you for why he hasn’t left ignores the bigger picture of the real issues. I know that I never saw myself as a sideline woman, no matter how low my self-esteem was. This is a good time to think about your short-, medium- and long-term goals, as well as your values. If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have. There is someone in your life who can and will be empathetic and support you with your exit.

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Be honest with you about what you’re trying to achieve. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, , you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this. Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy, as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Affairs and in fact, all dubious relationships rely on element of shame and secrecy and this compounds your dilemma.Think very hard about whether you want to continue living on the fringes and in the shadows of his life? Is this affair taking you towards your needs, expectations, and wishes or is this taking you in the opposite direction? Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. When I speak to women involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support.



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